Unfinished and Unrequited Business

I need to do this.

 

Shortly before, I had a nap wherein I dreamed that I was running endlessly. My heart was pounding and the frustration was welling up. I was totally lost in the scene. This is not the first time I had this type of dreams. Lately, I have been having them often.

 

So you might ask, “What does this have to do with me? You totally cut me off from your life without giving me a rational explanation? When I asked you why, you just said you were scared.”

 

Allow me to give you the answers now. Call me a coward for putting this into writing. All I know is I had to do this or I would just lose my sanity. Call me a fox too for being sly and full of crap. It does not make sense but let me attempt. I would completely understand if you would burn this paper and commit me to the darkest part of your memory.

 

The time I spent with you was perfect. I was my true self; no masks and I would never forget how I laughed when I hear your voice. Indeed, I miss that blanket of comfort you provided whenever I feel so uncertain, antsy and restless. You seem to have the right words to say and when I start cursing the fucking world, you listened and waited for me to come to my senses. Then you helped me to see things in a more rational perspective. Only you can do that. People around me cannot understand that I needed to vent out my angst. I assume that they think I need to be always in control, to pull it ltogether and be rational. In this crazy world, I think you and me are the only ones who believe that it’s alright to show how upset we can get, to flash the middle finger to anyone who pisses us and say what we have to say. I mean we don’t go around toting a gun. I am thankful for letting me express my dark side, I give you the pleasure of labeling it. For being proud and at the same time vulnerable (a deadly combination for me), I decided I cannot allow it anymore. For you too fully figure me out, I can’t because I am not good. I have too many flaws that I digressed you cannot accept. Perhaps, I did not have faith in you and worse, in myself.

 

I was in disbelief when I divulged to you the things I wanted to do before I die. I just picture the faces of my family and friends if I would tell them. A bottle of tequila might let me slip a thing or two but the way they see me; again prevents them from accepting that I still have that wild inner child. There is always something , a motor that revs up inside me propelling me to do things not anyone would dare to do. I will always be attracted to the extreme side, testing my limits and having that rush feeling that there was a possibility that I could have lost my life. YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT and you even promised that you would accompany me with full abandon when I attempt to do the things on my list. I was happy sharing them with you but I am so selfish I could not even let you in my life. I felt that if I was going to be with you, I would feel too safe to spread my wings, that I would be too complacent because I am home. In case you have forgotten, I literally ran away from home when I was younger. I know this does not make any freaking sense but I hope you can read between the lines.

 

What is my purpose of writing this shitty piece? I don’t even know. As it was in my dream, I was wandering aimlessly. Ditto with these sentences. I want to apologize for hurting you, for closing that door abruptly and for being simply mean. I am what I am. Until this moment, I cannot even point out why you even like me then.

 

I miss our time. I miss myself when we were in that nutshell. I miss you, everything about you and the truth of what might have been.

 

Last but not the least, I am notorious for having so many unfinished businesses. However, I tried to make amends. I hope you would find it in your heart to show me compassion and forgive my indecisive nature.

 

Thank you for seeing me the way I wished to be seen and not judged.

Too Late to Apologize

Hearts’ Day is just around the corner. Love is in the air and the hopeless romantics reminisce the bittersweet taste of love. Who in this world has not experienced that burning feeling inside the chest when Cupid’s arrow has struck? Include me in the list of humans who are basking in the sea of amorous experience. When it comes to love, I suggest you swim but keep your heart and mind afloat. Love may be reciprocated, unrequited, cherished or taken for granted. However, do not let fear cripple you from immersing yourself. When it comes to matters of the heart, it is too late to apologize.

1. Having your first love taken away from you by your best friend. Classic scenario? Indeed but you forgot that you love two people. You also love for the sake of friendship.
2. Having your first kiss under the stars then being ignored the next day. Who cares? You will always love the memory. Besides, you were the better kisser.
3. Sitting beside the person you love in every class in college. Everyone knows you are in love yet he/she is apathetic to you. It is alright, the world knows that you are capable of feeling. The person on the other hand was not able to feel what you had to offer. Come to think of it, you benefited something from a long boring class.
4. You watch from a distance the girl of your dreams. Each day, you attempt to gather courage to come up to her and ask her out. Next day, your best buddy announced he scored a big date with her. Your heart crushes but hey, it is a big step to gather courage but a giant leap to accept that you lost and move on. Find another great girl!
5. You promised that you will always be together forever. He had to go to another state to study. Your eyes are red from crying. Calls become infrequent then there was nothing, any communication. It will be okay, you let go because you love the person and you love the thought that he would finish school. And so should you!
6. After so many years, you bumped into an old flame. The one you gave yourself to, the one whom you thought would slip that ring to your finger. He introduces you to his wife and son. You smile because you still love him…more because he has found a woman to love and be faithful to.
7. News got to you that your ex girlfriend got engaged. Ironic since she said she was not ready for commitment. You curse but hey, at least you have a chance to find a better woman who will passionately love you without second-guessing.
8. You discovered that your partner is cheating on you. You end it because you cannot forgive and forget. Do not feel guilty. Some people may give second chances but pat yourself on the shoulder; you have more worth and dignity. You loved with the utmost honesty.
9. You find yourself in love with two people. Choose no one. Believe me, it will save you from headaches. Breathe, take a break and love someone anew.
10. Love like you love yourself. It is one of life’s greatest mysteries and treasures. Do not deprive yourself of this need.

Whatever happens, it is too late to apologize because of love. You do not owe yourself an apology for loving.

Filteany- Tagged!

 I was Tagged by Youtube

20 facts that people don’t know about me

1. I hate the color green.
2. I do not like carrying a big umbrella.
3. I get seriously sick twice a year.
4. I wanted to be a painter but realized I am bad at mixing colors.
5. I believe in fairies, ghosts and con artists.
6. I desire Orlando Bloom and Ryan Gosling.
7. The movie Green Mile never fails to make me cry.
8. When I am stressed, I bite my nails. If they have nail polish, the tastier!
9. I do not like doing laundry much less ironing.
10.I burn, not cook.
11. Before I die, I will visit Japan, Mexico, Paris and Spain.
12. I had my first kiss at the age of 13 at the back of the gym. It was not pleasant because I got hit hard on the head with a basketball.
13. I had my first love when I was 16. I fell in love with my friend’s brother.
14. I dated a guy for three years but my heart belonged to my best friend.
15. I left home without saying goodbye when I was 22 years old. My parents had to notify the police to locate me.
16. I do not drive safely.
17. I like marshmallows on my bowl of cereal.
18. I hate running because I am a klutz.
19. Seldom do I leave the house without putting my perfume.
20. I cannot balance my own checkbook
So I played the tag game. Enoy the video!

Winter Tears

Most people assume that when you lose someone, you learn to appreciate life more. It would suffice that you would live each moment to the fullest and start showing continuous love for your family and friends. I beg to disagree. Loss connotes sadness, mourning and grief. I think we who are left behind should immerse in tears for a time. It is a human need, to show our pain.

 

I lost three people in a span of 6 months. My college friend died last year, a classmate in elementary school died in a car accident last Wednesday and a colleague died last night. I am honest to say that I was not so close to them but still, I hurt. I lost them in a way I cannot extrapolate.

 

I cried and my heart was breaking. I lost them and I know I can never bring them back. All I have are memories of them. Short and casual encounters that were unrecognized before but now, I am desperately trying to piece them together. I am doing this to comfort my own self. I miss them. I miss their lives.

 

He was my classmate in Psychology class. I remember his curly hair and the way his eyes light up when he smiles. He always slouched in his chair and loves to laugh. I knew him from a distance, well my friend and I admired his sexy butt in our Counseling course. It was only in Senior year that I had more chances to talk with him. I discovered that he was a hopeless romantic and he would do everything in the name of love. He always called me Hazelnut and I would always playfully punch him on the arm. That was it and graduation came. I never saw him again.

 

I got a phone call from our classmate. He was really sick and needed help. I did not think twice so I shared what I can. I called him and I replaced my tears with laughter. He reminded me to always take care. I made him swear that he would let me drive his old green beetle when I come home. Two months later, he passed away.

 

 

We went to the same elementary school. He was a handsome boy with dreamy eyes and girls had a huge crush on him. We never talked to each other. He would just nod; smile and I would do the same when I saw him in the hallway. He was a friend of another boy who annoyingly had a crush on me. I found it ridiculous, fourth grade crushes were silly. He remained popular in high school. Inspite of this, he was humble and would still smile at me when we see each other at Mc Donald’s. Ten years passed and I just know him by name. Last Wednesday, he left behind his wife and two young children.

 

 

He was my colleague at work. He made it a point to greet me in the morning with coffee in his hand. He took care of my students and he was gentle with them. Our conversations were always pleasant and when I need someone to supervise my class while I step out for a while, he would readily volunteer. In my field that it is difficult to trust people, he was among the rarity. Snakes and foxes veiled by positions are a tough call. Our friendship was based on our love for our students. Four years passed by and we survived. Well, I thought we both were toughening up until last night. He left unexpectedly. I prayed hard to bring him back. He had a family. It is so unfair.

 

I do not know how to end this piece. Let me just mourn in a corner.

 

All I know I will always have winter tears for them.

I love Flowers too

I am independent
I work to feed and clothe myself
I have no rules to follow
I have no curfew, no guardians
Yet I need someone to see me as weak

I speak my mind
I act on my decisions
I stand by my principles
I take no crap from people
Yet I need someone to see me falter

I admit my mistakes
I was foolish in love
I fell for shallow promises
I hated my own stupidity
Yet I need someone to love me passionately

I listen to my inner voice
I rely on my instincts
I take pride in my accomplishments
I did it, on my own
Yet I need someone to be smarter than me

I project a woman of strength
I bare my claws when needed be
I do not back down
I choose my battles
Yet I need someone whom I can surrender to

truth is

I am a woman
I want to be held inside a man’s strong arms
I want to be kissed on the forehead
I want to melt in the moment, that I am his world
I want to let go and feel loved
I love flowers too…white roses for a lady like me