And The Beat Goes On…

I was 7 years old, no front teeth

I learned a song I found so sweet

It was “Explosion” on the Radio

By the boyband Menudo

I memorized the whole tape

I even had a red/ blue cape

My siblings were into it too

They might hate me but it was true

I was 10 years old in fourth grade

Love songs were constantly made

Well it was just the perfect time

I wanted my first crush to be mine

In school ff course, we had music class

Inspite of our voices that can break through glass

Every quarter during a nerve wrecking test

We quacked a song to our very best

I was 13 years old, freshman year

A different genre hit my eager ear

It was time for head banging rock

I still say it did not suck

While reviewing for my religion subject

The songs of White Lion were perfect

Include Slaughterhouse in my room

My imagination would then bloom

I adored Guns and Roses and Metallica

Sweet child of mine was audio Nirvana

I swore on my little comfy bed

Enter Sandman with no dread

This went on until I was 16, year to graduate

High school went by with my unsure fate

With me I carried my love for rockers

Piles of tape, my mom became bonkers

I entered college that rainy month of June

Former classmates in different dunes

At night as I lay with tons of books

I got lost to Sebastian Bach’s hooks

My circle of friend grew, so did my taste

Alternative was added in sudden haste

Soul Asylum, Silverchair, Incubus

How can I be strong to refuse?

My best friend told me to keep an open mind

Made me listen to old songs he can find

Beatles, Cascades and the Beach Boys

Kokomo was the official summer voice

From backstreet boys, I switched to local music

Rivermaya, Siakol, Parokya ni Edgar I did stick

Alanis Morisette was also my heroine

Alongside Air Supply like my oxygen

Then the songs got linked to affairs of the heart

Relationships were based on songs’ parts

Until this day, when a familiar song plays

I remember the guy who made my day

Now I am more exposed to more artists

On my Ipod, I have 5 to go lists

From Opera, Beethoven and Mozart

Grunge, Hip hop and Reggae an art

Music will always be available

For my curiosity is insatiable

Love and reminiscing of old songs is forever

And new songs I can’t wait to discover

Meany, Meany, Whiny, Mo

Insults and harsh judgments are part of our human nature. It is closely linked to our instinct for envy. Since we are not born equal no matter how hypocritically we assert, we cannot avoid comparing ourselves with others. I myself would sigh when I see the washboard abs of models in the VS catalog. Even during casual conversations, questions about our jobs, how much we earn, cribs and wardrobe surface. Almost always, we respond with tact but there are some who are really insulting by nature. Professionals label them as socially inept individuals but for me, they are simply called a Meany. Bullies whose lives evolve around making people feel bad about themselves. 

I have a very (un)fortunate chance to meet a Meany. It was not too long ago that this person took time to post insults about me on craigslist under the category of rants and raves. For privacy, let me name this person as Meany Mo.  Meany Mo has also the tendency to create fictitious email accounts. Sometimes, we often wonder if Meany Mo’s partner is really the one who penned the message. The insults range from physical attributes to my profession. What was disturbing was that Meany Mo posted personal information about my family and where I live. This was in the borderline of a stalker. Meany Mo does not even fear even if the posts were brought up to my lawyer. It seems like this creature thrives on investing time to Google people, looking at my website and watching my videos. The tip of the iceberg was that Meany Mo signed me up for online accounts for porn, crack, obese people, and homosexual sites. I had to change most of my email and mobile accounts. However, Meany Mo still has the ability and audacity to sneak an email every now and then using different addresses. 

Let me give you a list of random insults Meany Mo has showered me for quite a period of time. 

1. I am of Filipino descent. Meany Mo insists that I fall under the category of Black Asians. This is an irony since Meany is also Asian.

2. My work is pathetic. Meany Mo labeled my job as a special education teacher as useless since idiots only apply as teachers. My students were also labeled as ghetto scarred kids by this bully.

3. I have a huge, flat nose as part of my being Filipino.

4. Meany Moe insists that I am as huge as an elephant.

5. Posts about my siblings were also included. Meany Mo is just too slick not to put any names. However, the only recipient of these links is me.

6. I have big, loose breasts.

7. I have an unpleasant voice.

8. The man I was going out with was not also spared. Meany Moe said that every time my ex fucks me, he thinks of fucking Meany Mo! All the curses are hurled at me. Meany Moe inspite of being educated is a crass potty mouth.

9. Meany Mo posted that I was a former drug addict and smoker. (Meanie Mo exceeds the skills of a school bully) This is clear slander. Meany Mo also claims that I have been to the looney bin so many times.

If I were Supergirl, these insults would be dismissed but when you are constantly bombarded by a Meany, you cannot help but feel bad. This is only human and for a week (Meany Mo’s time frame of cyber stalking), I would try to block unpleasant thoughts.  The thing is I would always dare Meany Mo to say it to my face but it never happens. Meany Mo would suddenly disappear along with partner. An apology email follows then after a couple of months, I would receive another email which would lead to horrendous posts on craigslist which is Meany Mo’s favorite website and hobby.  

I was exchanging pleasantries with someone and we happened to view one of Meany Mo’s recent photos. My friend looked at me with disbelief, “Is this the person insulting you? Looks like the face got hit with a frying pan!” I laughed then I thought maybe I was unconsciously giving Meany Mo too much attention in the past. My friend suggested ignoring no matter how insulting the posts can get since I have my family and friends who never think that I am crazy, delusional and psycho. This should be enough to convince me. 

This is the first time I wrote about Meany Mo. Craiglist.com is not the place to practice my writing skills but I bet since Meany Mo tracks my internet activities like a Doberman, this post would be read,then my inbox would be filled again with nasty emails and newsletters from wretched websites. I am a priced target by an envious Meany who happens to be a coward too. The writings are on the wall and Meany Mo would be alone soon. 

While waiting for the next rants, I am proud to post on my own website that I never put padding on my bra to make my tits bigger and my face is never dry or flaky. Meany Moe…what more can I say?

The Sum of It is

Only the brave dare look upon the gray-

upon the things which cannot be explained easily,

upon the things which often engender mistakes,

upon the things whose cause cannot be understood,

upon the things we must accept and live with.

                                            And therefore only the brave dare look upon difference without flinching.                                                                            ~Richard H. Hungerford  

These words penetrate through me everyday and make me stronger! I recall my difficulty in starting my thesis for my master’s degree but when I chanced upon this, I was so motivated I finished my work in three months.  I am trekking on another path and with me, I carry again the wisdom I got from R. Hungerford 

And I have Never Been So…

I decided to take an indefinite break from teaching. The cause is not my students nor was it from the usual burnout but my natural inclination towards change emerged. It has been a month and I have never been free.

Scared.

Uncertain.

Doubtful.

Yet proud.

To be able to live my life different from what was expected of me. Simply, I want to re- discover who I really want to be.

I am starting from scratch again but I  realized I can do it. I made a decision and I will do it. I will be alright though I am aware the journey would be difficult.

I am now able to fathom that everything is a choice.

My needs are met and my wants decreased. What more can I ask for?

I still have food, clothing and shelter and I have never been so thankful.

I am still loved by people I also love.

I came to know who my real friends are. Often, when you are in the bottom again- you can objectively separate the true from the fair weathered pals.

I can play my guitar and regard my bloody fingers as battle scars.

I can write without mincing my words without the implications of my profession.

The path to self discovery is risky since it may lead to complacence. It is possible that I can deceive myself so I need to choose wisely.

I may become a full time writer. I may study other languages. I may travel. I may fall in love again with teaching.

Just thinking of it excites me;

and I have never been so happier.

Light at the end of the Subway Tunnel

Life is a like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get. When it rains, it pours.

There is a silver lining behind that dark cloud.

This too shall pass.

Shit happens.

The beginning of 2008 has been very challenging to me. I guess the 12 animals in the zodiac have placed a bet on whether I can still pull it together. You bet I am even if it means having to go through settings similar to “Jigsaw’s Puzzles.” Indeed the circumstances pale in comparison with Hostel and Saw.

I like to play a game with you.You have taken so many things for grantedInside that head of yours is the key to your salvation.

You need to choose.

Let the game begin.

The brutal truth is I was so complacent and too confident that I am callous to struggle. I said to myself “I have been through hell and high water, what more can’t I see through?” Well right now, I am kicking myself for being narcissistic, too trusting and even lazy to be on top of things. These three attitudes when combined are an equation for a disaster. Kaboom!

Eventually it blew up in my face and I am still recovering from third degree burns and the worse part is, there are mini explosions still happening. Funny right up my ass! I wake up feeling like a cliffhanger. Oh the adrenaline of what to do to survive. Where to find the means (friends) who can spare me a change or two? How will is I stay sane to decide on my next move. The heart of the matter is, it is not only my strength as a person that is being challenged. Coinciding with my Herculean ability are my character, judgment, will power and my precious stubbornness to not give up.

 

Assessing my present predicament, I discovered the following.

1. You really cannot trust anyone. Amen to this!
2. There are fair weathered friends. I wonder when they will be back from vacation.
3. I am deep crap but still I find time and ways to help others in need of my unsolicited advice. Hey I do not want them to be in shoes.
4. You can blame anyone you can think of but still 4 of your fingers are pointing at yourself.
5. Behind that wide smile is a more devious character. That is why I seldom smile because I am not that conniving much less evil.
6. Never ever let your guard down when it comes to staying in the city that you love. In my case, 300 Spartans are not enough to haul me out of New York City.

Inspite of all the headaches, skyrocketing phone bills, nightmares, anxiety and irritability, I still manage to keep my head up after two sets of flying military press using 5 pound dumbbells. I let a tear drop once in a while but I know I need to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

In my sordid case; light at the end of the subway tunnel.