Sometimes I wish you could look at me longer. Perhaps you can realize that I am also capable of feeling. Maybe you can see the real person just wearing a mask because I do not want to cause you to worry. For the nth time, you have saved me again and I will always be eternally grateful. I hate the fact that I wished you could be in my shoes, then I can prove I can be there for you too. It would be different for I would never let you feel so useless.
I tread carefully because you are intolerant of failures. You see sadness as weakness. In front of you, I smile because I do not want arguments. When we switch off the lights, you turn your back on me and again. I am left with my thoughts. You always say you dislike when I think too much. Maybe you have forgotten this is one of the things why you fell in love with me. I like to think because it’s the way to keep me grounded and be creative. I need to feel all facets of emotions whether pleasant or not. I have always expressed to you that I am black or white, never in the middle. I thought you like that in me but nowadays; you frown upon my feelings. You label me as nonsense. I am deeply hurt but I keep to myself because I love you. It is so painful because you cannot even see that I am breaking into pieces. There are so many things I want to say but you have this wall that I cannot fathom. To put it in perspective, I avoid confrontations because you always have logic and before I finished my words, you have the better solution and I feel worse. I just clam up and things will remain alright. You say holding it in is not good for both of us but trying to explain to you is draining and I just close my eyes for the next day to come.
These times are difficult for me. Sure I can call up friends and tell them my woes but that is not my nature. The person I need most is you and I cannot even start to tell you that I am scared, guilty for being a burden to you and how I wished things were better. We are in the same room yet we seem so far apart. I kiss you and you purse your lips. I try to hold you and you veer away. When I call you on this, you retort “You just don’t get it, I do everything for you.” I do not deny this you take command but you leave me out most of the time. You assume what is right for you are also right for me. I am a woman who needs to be held by the person she gave her heart to. Then you say, “find excitement, do your thing” but I cannot do it with full steam because we are not alright. You think we are but even the most romantic stories have flaws.
I wrote so many poems about you but I never let you read them. You stated clearly that you dislike poetry. I like to drive around and get out of the city once in a while. You say there is always the subway. I like to try new things. You say I am not contented with what we have. I like to explore. You always say the negative things that can happen.I like to act childlike and you look at me like I am misbehaving. I try my best for you and you ignore me.
I am here without you. Sad, isn’t it?
This was very deep. And I feel that this wasn’t necessarily fiction to you.
I’ve been in a similar relationship not too long ago, but for me, sometimes I was on the giving side of it, and other times, I was on the receiving end.
Corny ito. Nasaan ang mga tula mo? Gusto kong basahin ang mga tula mo.
you made me cry with this…