Doubting Faith yet Born a Believer

It is holy week and most Christians follow the practices in the name of penitence, repentance and a promise to avoid doing wrong. I was born and raised in a faith that exalts Him. He was also represented as a shepherd, redeemer and savior. Throughout the years, I believed and oftentimes I doubted. Thomas is no match for me for I questioned the scriptures, the supposed miracles and His promise of a better life. Life has given me opportunities to do so much contemplating thus I was left confused. Confusion led to frustration and then to apathy. I was apathetic to His presence. I convinced myself I was fine being alone, “uncorrupted” by stories about Him woven by men of long ago.

I want to enumerate the situations and events that led me to believe I was capable of existing without believing in Him.

My first job was a supervisor in a hotel. My work hours were crazy and I often went home past midnight. One time, I was so tired after a wedding reception that my feet were literally on fire. I got behind the wheel and my head urged me to drive faster to get home as soon as possible. In addition, sleep was crawling inside me too. What I remember next was blinding lights and I steered the wheel to the right abruptly. The loud honking of the other car was deafening. I was still shaking until I parked in the garage. The next day, I went back to work as if nothing happened. I dismissed that I am a good driver thus avoiding a tragic accident.

I chose to work in a city much to the dismay of my parents. I still went without informing them thus the rampant police search. I was relaxing in the nice apartment my employer provided for me apathetic of the trouble I caused. It was only when a family friend went to my workplace to check if I was alright. I never apologized to my parents and upheld my stubbornness for deciding on my own. The news of rampant human trafficking did not even faze me.

A relationship defined me. The person became my focus and I took for granted the other facets. I shrugged my shoulders when my parents and friends warned me of bad things to come. I digressed that their “premonitions” and “instincts” about the impending danger I would have were utterly morose. It was only when I fell into a trap of deception and paranoia that I created too. My judgment told me that a relationship should be worked out no matter what. I did my best yet my partner was unwilling to do his part. One night during one of our many turbulent arguments, he was driving dangerously fast to fuel more my anger. I was screaming and then I thought, ” So be it! If you are going to do this, might as well kill both of us!” He slowed down and I knew it was the the end. I left him without a word, with four bags of my tears and after a week, he replaced me like a flat tire. I blamed myself for a failure I brought upon myself.

My broken heart was not like anything. It consumed me and as I predicted, when it rains it pours. I had to do a presentation of my thesis. That afternoon, my mind was in constant squabbling. In front of the panel, I was half hearing their questions. Numbness was setting in and my eyes were welling up. My strict advisor looked at me and whispered “What happened?” I faced her and she knew. The next thing was straight from a court case. She became my lawyer and she supplemented my unrehearsed replies. After the presentation, she reprimanded me harshly and cautioned me to never ever let matters of the heart affect the path to achievement. I finished my thesis in one semester with flying kaleidoscope colors. I felt good and my heart was beating again.

I was reading the local newspaper when I chanced upon an ad. New York City was looking for teachers and I was intrigued. I called up the agency and the rest is history. After so many tragic events, I was bound to start a new life. People said I was blessed. I replied I had abundant luck.

The first years here were hard. After each hurdle, I patted myself on the shoulder and said “I am a survivor!” I was doing fine in the city that never sleeps. Though I was lacking sleep, I was being on top of my game. I was also into a budding relationship with a great man. I was lucky again.

After four years, I woke up and made a decision that others called irrational. I made up my mind to take a break, re- think my goals and learn new things. I am aware that I am not that young yet I knew I had to do it. My family supported me again and inspite of the financial constraints, I am content. Worries come yet they do not linger. Unlike before when I had too many wants. I feel luck is overflowing in my pocket and I smile waking up from my deep slumber.

Perhaps, I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul. I may possess a lucky clover or a rabbit’s foot.

…or perhaps, He was there when I never acknowledged Him

… warned me through people when I made haste decisions

…gave me opportunities to turn away and try another path

…waived my doubts and still believes that I am His believer.