Love makes the world go round; it will engulf you in irrational sense and alter your perception about priorities. The biggest irony of love is its charlatanic means of deceiving people that love would always stay. When love ends, it hurts like a thousand knives stabbed to your heart. My friend once said, “The only way to get over a person is to find another.” I disagreed with her until I found myself in the situation that love was equal to misery, self- loathing, mistrust and the angst of being lost in limbo. When love vanishes, it leaves a bitter aftertaste and you are never the same person – no matter how you convince yourself.
I liked him so much that I wrote his name all over my college books. I made up reasons just to see him. A moment alone, we stared at the trees and my heart was beating so fast. I stammered with my words and it was given that I liked him. He asked me if I knew how to say, “I love you” in his dialect. I looked down at my shoes and he uttered them on his own. I wanted to believe that he said it to me. I was naïve and I thought the feeling was mutual. He introduced me to his girlfriend and I knew I lost. It turned out he was just a really nice guy. My mind convinced that he would notice me, more than a friend or a younger sister but years passed and he has forgotten me. All I remember is that memory of us running to his car when it suddenly rained…the time when the world stopped and I felt the warmth of his skin. Then we never saw each other. He was my first love.
Love vanished but my young heart was scarred so soon.
I should not have let love intertwined with friendship
During our elementary years, I loathed him and vice versa. I hated his being different from our classmates. He was always questioning every lesson much to the dismay of teachers. He only cared about drawings and his sarcasm. I made it a point to avoid the air he breathed in the hallway. High school graduation paved way to my indecisiveness on my course. I was flabbergasted when I saw him in the same room- we exchanged weird looks. As weeks passed, I found myself listening more to his philosophies in life. Perhaps I have matured that I became competitive to debate with him. We spent hours together talking about arts and the future. He became my best friend whom I loved so much that I was not complaining. People were astonished on why we spent so much time together but never took our friendship to the next level. I shrugged my shoulders and through our freshman, sophomore and junior year- we got involved with other people. I was there when his girl cheated on him and he, when I was dating someone simply because I was bored. Then it happened one afternoon, someone told me he slept with one person who immensely complicated what we had- a friendship skipping constantly between love and companionship. I hated him enough to lash at him. This was days before our graduation and uncontrollable tears flowed. I cried because I loved him inspite of me having a relationship and I mourned because I lost my best friend. He retorted that I was unfair- “You took him for granted, shunned me away whenever a new guy came along. You would go back into my arms when you need comfort.” It was true but I was too proud to admit that I was the bad person. Months passed and I was miserable without him. I apologized and he accepted it. I said, “If there is one thing you should know, you are the one person that I’ll always be in love with. But I cannot lose you and our friendship.” Things were back to normal and I had my best friend- always there when I needed an sparring partner. Playing pool until 3 in the morning was the best time together. Alas! I left the city and he left for another country. I missed him- having someone to trust and love at the same time.
Love vanished but my heart would always have a special chamber for my best friend.
I should not have spend time talking to him
He sat in front of me. My mind was somewhere else and he cracked a joke that I raised my left eyebrow. He talked about mundane things and as much as I was having a bad day, I started answering his questions. Out of the blue, I invited him for coffee in my favorite spot. That night, we spent hours talking and I gave him my number. After a month, we became an official couple. It was not easy because we had to keep it as a secret. Only his family knew. I was such a coward of being judged by my own parents on my choice of men. Our relationship withstood 3 years of happiness, jealousy and frustration that we can never be equal in society. The burden of being so depended upon proved to be tiring. I ended it inspite of his incessant protests, million phone calls and letters that I dismissed.
Love vanished and I became the wicked witch, I cheated on him because I met a guy whom I found so mysterious and unpredictable.
I should not have asked for an empty promise
His eyes were expressive and his demeanor so relaxed. He laughed like a little kid and when he smiled, my heart did a somersault. He was a great artist; he can do anything, from murals, paintings to impressions. I admired him- his talent for enjoying his craft. Intriguingly, I found his being irresponsible a perfect challenge for me. We started going out like two peas in a pond. We did not have a single care in the world. When he was behind the wheel, I experienced excitement, the adrenaline rush and the taking of risks so delectable. Our first year was the best; we could not live without each other. I turned my back on my parents because I believed I found the one. Until a demon came between us, changed us from nice people to vicious monsters. We became parasites and we never trusted each other again. We lied to our families, friends and even to each other. A painful decision had to be made and I was left on my own- he was nowhere in sight and I lost myself, self- confidence and hope. I hung on to the last thread still believing that love conquers all. He gave up; I died multiple times before I accepted that it was over.
Love vanished and my heart was mutilated and pieces of it were never found.
I should not have looked into his eyes
I was still trying to resuscitate my bleeding heart when my friends hauled me out of my black hole. We painted the town red and somehow it worked- I became less lonely and I was breathing again. I met him at a friend’s birthday party. I was unaware that he was looking at me since I had no intention of jumping into another catastrophe. Then I sat next to him unknowingly and the game “truth or dare” came up. Imagine a childhood game being played by tipsy adults. It was my turn and I chose dare- look at the person next to you and do something unexpected. I gazed upon his eyes and I saw comfort that I needed. In a flash, I planted a kiss on his red lips. He was surprised but smiled endlessly throughout the night. That was the beginning of the greatest adventure I had with love. Since we knew that time was short, we took advantage of the rare chances that we can be together. Maybe it was not real love yet he helped me to get up after my biggest stumble. He made me feel pretty again and wanted. I thanked him endlessly and as a final farewell, a room filled with rose petals and scented candles was the perfect ending.
He was the last person I called before I boarded the plane.
Love vanished but my heart remained grateful for the air he shared to bring me back to life.
I am exclusively seeing someone but I am no expert on the field of love. Having a plethora of love being betrayed, given, scorned and shared; I realized love may vanish but the remnants of its inevitable happening become permanent. We may deny our desires but we can never triumph from avoiding love.
When love vanishes, I am now assured that it would resurrect in due time.
