Forgiveness is a big word. You can derive a verb from it, a prefix and a suffix. In reality, forgiveness is larger than life. We often mention the word but it is a Herculean feat to do. Forgiving others asks the question “when can you really let go of the hurt?”
I am a person who has a lot of grudges. I love when I really love, I hurt when it is really painful and I hate to the utmost level. I am black and white- the poles where I am truly honest. Looking back, I have trespassed some people and I have been trespassed so much as well. I ask for forgiveness when in no doubt, I was at fault. I build walls of steel to those who never admitted or regretted what they have done. Forgiveness is a big deal for me.
Life goes on, the hurt turned into wounds; they heal and we move on. There are circumstances that remind us of the person and our hearts could still feel hollow. Most would say, “It is best to forgive and forget”, but it does not apply to the majority of people you and I know. Only a martyr could live this quote but in an unpredictable world, cause and effect situations are always complicated.
Last week, I was checking my networking account when I noticed a person on my friend’s list. I saw his picture, the same face I memorized when my heart turned dark. If I were writing this five years ago, you would read a cauldron of venomous words, curses and death wishes. I started at his profile and I tested myself- “What should I feel and what should I do?” If I follow my friends’ advice, I would dismiss it and moved on with business but then I asked myself, “If I forgive him, what would happen to me?”
I closed my eyes and unlocked the gates for him who trespassed me. I sent him a message, a friendly one wishing that all is well with him and his family. For the last time, I recalled what happened that fateful afternoon when he suddenly lashed at me in public. Not being a weakling, I spewed out unbecoming words. He questioned my morality, my intentions for my work and why I had to be with his brother. I replied in an apathetic tone, “so what” which angered him more. I castigated him for looking away even when he knew there were problems- I blamed him, I pointed the finger at everyone for giving me the burden of trying to give the best to person who pains me over and over again. We exchanged more hurtful words and struggling not to cry, I asked him to leave the room. After he left, I shed an ocean of tears of a woman judged and scorned. No one could comfort me and it hurt so bad that it ate my whole being- it left unanswerable questions in my mind. Perhaps I hated him so much because he slapped it on my face, I failed in a relationship, for letting it get the best and bringing out the worst in me. It was shards of a mirror that reflected the truth.
It felt good, really good that I shared it with people who knew about our infamous public argument. Surprised as they were, they commend my courage to be able to finally forgive. It took a long time but I still did it. He never replied but I know he read it. I know he had a string of misfortunes but who am I to still wish him more suffering? I maybe stubborn but I am not that cruel.
I forgave a few persons throughout time but life is too short to wait. I implore you to think about it. Rebuild burned bridges, forgive and walk away, leave the excess baggage and trust others again. We are capable of trespassing others as much as they can. It is part of our frailty but if I, a proud and stubborn woman can freely unlock those forgiving gates, so can you. Find that rusty hatchet and bury what needs to stop. Forgive and obtain a new beginning.
