Closing Doors and Walking Away

It is assumed that people always get second chances.  Failures can dampen our spirits; we feel and inflict pain simultaneously. Almost always, we have that recourse at the back of our heads that we can turn it around. Wounds can be healed and life can be a bed of lillies.

Yet, I ponder. Where do you draw the line of giving yourself and others second chances? What if you gifted people the right to hurt you repeatedly knowing they would never stop? How can you finally say that you had enough and you need to leave? Why is it so hard to close doors and just walk away?

These questions hinder us from  moving on. They hinder me too from accepting happiness truly. I loathe a person so much but at the same time fear her. It hurts so much because I love her too because it is expected. I cannot untangle the years when we both intentionally hurt each other but I still hope that she would be a presence in my life. As a child, I swore I will be unlike her but I find myself as an adult, mirroring some of her ways. I tried to forget her, bury the hatchet and picture her the way I want to. I failed miserably because each time I hear about her, my heart breaks again. I convince myself I do not need her, months pass without us talking but once we do, I feel worse. Guilt and wanting to be free are two irreconcilable poles. For years, I tried but like a tattoo, she lingers in my consciousness. Perhaps I am a hypocrite for wanting to be selfish to be happy but then I am such a coward to face her judgment.

Yesterday, I was uneasy. Should I call her or not? The day celebrates her significance but I chose not to. I received unpleasant news and I decided I cannot allow it to hurt me further. I cried in front of my partner. He told me the exact thing that I know for a long time but just refused to do because I was still hoping. “You are not the bad person. If she cannot be happy for you, it’s not worth it. It’s up to you to stop trying to please her because it is impossible. You would end up being miserable just like her.”

I finally let go with one last deep breath, closed the door and walk away with the thought I made a willful decision. There are things that one simply cannot fix and the only way is to give up and walk away with a smile.

The One That Got Away

In your life, you will meet a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’ s the one your first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you first made love to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with…and the one that got away.

Who is this, the one that got away? I guess it’s the perfect person with whom everything was great everything was perfect but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry but the cards don’t fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part or maybe even the greater part has to do with the matter of living. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in a mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big, inconsequential become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person are no good; it’s just not yet right and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you’re ready. You really are and when this happens, you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not e the most perfect, they might not the be brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life but it’ll work because you are ready. It will make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want. You’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. Mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long term relationship, could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed and for some reason, the one that got away is the first person you think about.

You’ll think about him or her because you’ll wonder, “what if he/ she was here today? What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?” The biggest what if? you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully, you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already committed with the one you are with and this is just another test of your commitment, one that will strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about hi or her but it’s never nice to live with “what might have been”.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case, it is the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old, with gray strands and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not yet too late. Simple, find him or her. The very existence of the line “one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got that one?

Ask him out to coffee and ask her out to a movie. It doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised , you juts might be the “one that got away: as well for the person who is you “the one that got away.”

It won’t make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know. I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling in the end, to be able to say to someone. “Hey, you’re the one that ALMOST got away.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Confessions of an Academy Award Winning Dram Queen

 

 

 

Do you ever get that feeling that you are so alone that you can hear damn well your heartbeat?

Do you ever feel that the world has designated a special nook for you that no one can see or notice?

Do you ever think that you’re cursed with inevitable unfortunate things to last a lifetime?

Do you conclude that no one can and never will understand how you really feel inside?

Do you tend to rationalize that every occurrence in your life is a matter and cause and effect?

Do you flourish and wallow at the same time in any emotion that you seem fit for the day?

I did for a whole week. I was the ultimate Drama Queen.

It started with a sneeze after I watched a Mets game last Tuesday. The night was chilly and my eyes started to itch uncontrollably. The bus ride was not helpful and it was only a matter of seconds that I began feeling dizzy. I told my friend and he told to me relax and to look straight ahead. Sneezing and vertigo is an unpleasant combination. I thought of reasons for my condition. Perhaps it is anemia, a flu or pneumonia? I started the drama of assuming the worst. Well, this was my drama so I was going to add some flair.

 

The next day as determined by my self-fulfilling prophecy, I was sick to my stomach. My body would go into episodic fevers then go numb again. I noticed I was not feeling hungry at all and I was not able to finish my bowl of cereal. Thoughts plagued me incessantly. That gnawing feeling of being alone in the universe caught up with me and before I knew it, my drama was in its full premiere. I lay on my bed thinking the what ifs and maybes coupled with “Oh I should have not done that in high school or I should have eaten more of that instead of Pringles?” My cheeks were hot and my right side was bloated. Instinct tells me to call my siblings who are nurses. My cowardice stopped me and the thought of being poked with needles in a hospital bed scared the chicken poop out of me. Instead I called my friend, well just to complain to him. He told me the usual “Take it easy, relax and eat well.” If it were one of those normal days, I would just agree and take a green pill. However, my drama was unfolding and my paranoid thoughts were adding to its HD quality.

 

Headaches, fevers, a runny nose and a ton of worrying plagued the rest of the week. I was looking at my bank account and seeing the not so blingified figure, I purchased another truckload of unnecessary aches. Everything around me is painful and it was my entire fault. There was nothing I can but retreat in my corner and swim in the bevy of my undoing. No one understands me and I refused to exert effort to try to make them. I resigned to the conclusion that no one cares or bothers to remember me. The world is co cruel as I repeated to myself while arranging my pillows to cushion my heavy head.

 

My brother called me to check up why I have not been bothering him for the past days. I said I was sick and dying. He laughed like a hyena and told me to get real or at least, be crazy again. I scoffed at him for being insensitive and he reminded me of mother’s day. Here I was so sick and my brother orders me to buy cards for our mom and other relatives who used their egg cells to continue or gene pool. I bought the cards nevertheless and cried while writing on them. Being a Drama Queen helps especially when you want to write something mushy on a card. I still have to mail them out.

 

To make matters worse, I was experiencing a mood swing aka writer’s block. I attempted numerous times to at least post something on my website but my pessimism bit my ass big time. I resolved that it would pass and just wasted my time watching cat videos on youtube. I knew I had to write something but my persistent affliction of being a Drama Queen prevailed. I was my own loser.

 

Until last night, I felt like the person who is always last in line. My friend came over and urged to me watch a Star Trek Movie Marathon. I was still feeling un- Spock like but when I finished The Wrath of Khan, I felt alive again. Oh to breathe again! I am ready to bring down the entire Klingon army.

 

So what did my experience of being a Drama Queen teach? Not much but I got to realize that I am not as bad as I think I am J , my situation is still alright and there are people who would love me no matter what. …the usual me or with the occasional Drama Queen spikes.

 

 

 

 

To Do List

I I cannot sleep. It is close to 4 in the morning and my mind is on constant carousel. I feel a knot in my stomach. Sad to confess that they are not likened to the euphemism “butterflies” hence I assume that what I am having are nerve wracking moments. If given the choice, I would rather take the ride to Space Mountain ten times if it means avoiding this state. No calming oil or soothing music can calm my cursed brain. Thinking gets the best and worst in me. My only wish is for it to at least, take a break yet it is as stubborn as I am.

What could be the reason I am undergoing this strange phenomenon? My rational skills fail to convince my whole psyche that everything is going to be alright. I need not worry that my freedom would end or my life would just be stagnant. These are my worst fears, not to be able to accomplish my “to do list”. I believe each one of us has made a mental note of things to do whether it be a shot for the moon or an admirable quest. I also believe that a life without such a list is a waste of opportunity and falling into the category of mediocrity.

Give me the pleasure of imparting my “to do list.” Perhaps, you would find items that are similar to yours or it may hopefully inspire you to add something similar.

1. Travel to experience different cultures of the world. Whether it is in Budapest or in Sierra Leone. I want to interact with people who I only see on the pages of National Geographic Magazine. 
2. Learn another language and speak it fluently. I am gearing towards French or Arabic.
3. Teach children in Africa or Tibet. As I have said, I am always a teacher at heart.
4. Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro (or at least view it)
5. Walk through the paths of the Great Wall of China and read a romantic novel in front of the Taj Mahal.
6. Finish my two books that I have been delaying for no reason.
7. Woo publishers and sell my books to them.
8. Give half of the sales to improve schools in the Philippines.
9. Write more books that sell to help teachers especially in third world countries.
10. Skydiving (bungee jumping is awesome so don’t blame me for the need for adrenaline rush)
11. Find, cook and eat foods that I do not know from the Amazon jungle. (this is unlike a fear factor challenge)
12. See the gigantic but spectacular icebergs of the North and feel the awe and dread at the same time.
13. Spend two months volunteering for a nursing home to listen to the elders. I always find inspiration in their stories of long ago.
14. Sign up for a drag race and win.
15. Learn to swim with the dolphins or feed sharks.
16. Finally play an electric guitar with no inhibitions because I am a woman.
17. Road trip- wherever it will take me.
18. Return to the Philippines to visit my beloved grandmother and treasure every moment with her.
19. Dance again even without a partner.
20. Fall in love truly.

I feel much better writing this and I hope you would start your “to do list”. I have accomplished two in my list. Can you guess them?

Whoever gets it right, I will write a poem about any topic of your choice. I’ll feature it here on my website and recite it on YouTube. It also entails mentioning your name.

 

 

 

 

The Allegory of 99 Wolves

Cai Guo-Qiang’s exhibit in the Guggenheim Museum is an ambitious display of artistic talent. He was inspired by the omnipresence of German history particularly of the Berlin Wall. The title work Head On names one of his exhibitions showcasing art in its magnificent physical form. The installation consists of a pack of 99 life- sized wolves barreling in a continuous stream towards and into a constructed glass wall. Cai Guo-Qiang emphasizes the allegory of the people ages ago who struggled and failed to break down the Berlin Wall. It is stupefying to internalize that an artwork depicting an unpleasant part of history; is meticulously mesmerizing.

I had the privilege of seeing Cai Guo-Qiang’ s exhibit last Sunday and until now, I am still experiencing collective thoughts about it. Gunpowder, fiberglass, painted sheepskins and metal wires are among his media to bring life to allegories. Personally, I have a strong affinity with allegories. I like to fathom them as situations that require a second look thus entailing deeper contemplation. The feeling of being under the stream of suspended wolves is likened to being in a vortex that pulls you naturally. I found myself staring at a fallen wolf in front of the glass wall; feeling its diminished strength and the sadness of its failure. How can a wolf be so far from a human experiencing frailty? Art is indeed mirroring life.

I Want to Believe is Cai Guo-Qiang’ s general name for this exhibit. Four strong words that people are often scared to utter. A possible explanation would be the effect of inevitable failures as we tread through life. We have different means to cope with the disaster of our blunders. Some accept defeat as a pattern of their existence, others thrive yet remain broken and few stand up unscathed. Inspite of our differences, we have a common denominator which is We are All Destined to Fail. Harsh way to put it but nevertheless, we are beautifully defined by our frustrations, battles and even by our sorrows. This is the allegory that we would carry until our last breath. Our ability to succeed and fail simultaneously are indications that we live up to our nature. We are born survivors. To be called a survivor is to undergo and overcome struggles.

Head On has engraved a permanent mark on my psyche. I still have long years to carry on my back. Perhaps, life is full of allegories that we constantly have to be metacognitive to fathom the purpose of our existence. I would always remember the wolves crashing into that glass wall. The beauty of Cai Guo-Qiang ‘s art has added to my appreciation of the complexities surrounding us. His 99 wolves are definitely more than meets the eye.

Note:

JP… the person who took time to accompany me to the museum. I am eternally grateful to. It would always be a pleasant memory added to my cove of knowledge.