Put Your Laughter in A Can

The Simpsons, South Park, Everybody Loves Raymond and even VH1’s ridiculous reality shows have one thing in common. They make us laugh, snort and guffaw whenever scenes touch out funny bone. We rely on the sense of humor, the parodies and the one liners of each episodes. Have you ever wondered where the origin of the canned laughter is? The Know- It- All by A.J Jacobs provided me with the answer. Actually, it was passed on to him by reading the Encyclopedia Britannica. In 19^th century France, almost every theater was forced to hire a band called a claque from claquer, “to clap.” The chefs de claque got a monthly salary from the actors and each claque member has a specialization.

First, we have the reiurs who laughed loudly during comedies. Coming in at second are the bisseurs who shouted for encores. The third group, commissaires were the ones who elbow their neighbors and say “This is the good part” and the last intriguing group was the pleureuses, women who were paid to weep at the sad parts of tragedies.

After acquiring this information, I started to think about other people and myself. Thinking is one of my favorite hobbies especially when I cannot darn sleep at four in the morning. The above mentioned jobs can apply to us, how we approach everyday trivia and the over all presence of tragedy and comedy in our theatrical existence.

Reiurs

1. Our mothers who would show your baby pictures sans the diapers to your boyfriend/ girlfriend of one week.
2. Teachers who stifle a laugh when we colored our suns purple instead of the conformist yellow.
3. Co- workers who make a big deal when we cannot operate the complicated copier/ fax/ laminating machine (which has a paper jam every 5 minutes). I hate it so when somebody asks me to make copies- I suggest going to Staples.
4. Husbands and Wives who divulge our bathroom habits. The size and odor of our poop. Yes, marriage can be a portal of unromantic comedies.
5. People on the subway when a person suddenly debates about politics- only with himself.

Bisseurs

1. Parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles asking their children to play Chopsticks on Piano or even Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on violin for the nth time. Guests can turn into reiurs if these folks do this to poor kids. One performance is enough so move on to the next round of beer.
2. Professors who ask you to rephrase your answer. Either, he/ she half heard it or you are just plain wrong. I bet with the latter.
3. Groupies and the Homies. Enough said so we cannot live without them. Just ask Axl Rose and 50 Cent.
4. Children who ask their parents to read “The Runaway Bunny” twice for 5 nights in a row. A bedroom story is cute but for mom and dad who want action in the sack, it can be a killer.
5. Motivational speakers with their self help books who display a sudden epiphany when you are on pages 3, 10, 15. 22. To continue, just buy the sequel like the Chicken Pox for the Lost Soul Series.

Commissaires

1. Again, co- workers who elbow you to nod in approval when the boss says something….categorically stupid. Kissing Ass is tantamount to condone inefficiency.
2. People who like to dabble in politics agreeing with any point from opposing parties.
3. Subscribers of Maxim, FHM and Playboy. Need I say more? We, women blush demurely when we see Beckham’s abs, chest and tattoos. Let’s stay hush on what’s inside our side drawer.
4. A stranger in the Subway giddily talks about the weather, recent scandals regarding politicians and Britney Spears. I say Leave Britney Alone! And let me listen to my Ipod.
5. People who forward generic emails similar to chain letters. If you forward this to 5 people, it means you are loved. Less than 3 people, you are a hermit.

Pleureuses

1. Women living with jerks.
2. Women living with a jerk who fathers her children.
3. Women living with a jerk, fathers of her children and a son of awful parents.
4. Women who will date jerks.
5. Women who think jerks can change. ….(this is what I call pure tragedy)

Feel free to add to the list.

Nyms, Nymphs and Miranyms

 Nyms, Nymphs and MiranymsI am aware of homonyms/ homophones, synonyms and antonyms. The rigid teachers in my elementary school made sure that these list of words were drilled in my head

(Jeopardy Music)

What is the homonym of mail?

What is male? The opposite of female. The specie that has two sacs that hold…. Enough Ms. Filteany

What is the synonym of understand?

What is fathom? It can also be a size varied slightly depending on its base definition, either based on a thousandth of an (Admiralty) nautical mile or as a multiple of the imperial yard. …This one I copied from wikipediaWhat is the antonym of healthy?

What is couch potato? …Beat that!

Miranyms- Words between two opposites

I will try my best to create a list to educate our young who would one day, use their gametes to spawn for the continuous generation of our kingdom.

1. Smart- Stupid   (boss)
2. Sexy- Unattractive (Spouse)
3. Plain- Fancy (Clearance)
4.  Famous- Unknown (YouTube)
5.  Popular- Hermit (MySpace)
6.  Boy- Girl (Y)
7.  Work- Rest (Internet)
8. Happiness- Misery (Marriage)

Freaking, Annoying, Libidinous Double Standard

I am so pissed. I hate double standards. On the eve of Valentine’s day, I expressed a desire to be with someone. It took a lot of courage to confess that but lo and behold, I was labeled inconsiderate. I was called immature and only seeing my own side. I say holy crap to all this. When men want you, they grab you and as much as you are pre- occupied, you often submit yourself. I blame this on human nature. Women were unconsciously trained to please the sperm donors. Truth is, we women want to be objects of desire too. Only for a few enlightened men, women should not express that she needs her regular dose on being in the sack.

I hate this. Aside from the fact that I opened my heart, prepared myself and tried to be really sweet, I was ready to embrace the whole girl power movement. If you like a guy, say it. Make the first move. Well, I took the first step and I fell flat on my face.

Another thing that bugs me is that why men think that it is a privilege to “have” them. In case they forget, we have a more complex biological system. It takes a well-informed man to realize that it is not only a wham bam 3-minute session. I think women need to teach men about a thing or two about sex.

Next time, if a man approaches me with his mojo in action, I will be ready to fend him off with the following.

1. I have a headache resulting from my binge drinking last night. Yes, I am an alumnus of AA meetings.
2. I seldom remember the names of guys I made out with. What’s your name again?
3. I am a virgin by each turn of the season.
4. Your shoes are dirty.
5. You do not have clean sheets.
6. I am having my period for a month now, I know it is abnormal and so am I.
7. My friend told me you banged her and you mentioned a guy’s name in the middle of your climax.
8. I rather play with my Wii. No further explanation.
9. I used the condoms as water balloons for the Giants’ victory!
10. I am not in the mood. Tomorrow, no. Next week, still no. Call me in 5 years.

So on this Valentine’s day, I am here fingering my laptop at 2: 39 am. Perhaps when I visit Florida, I’ll meet someone who will understand the saying you got to have some.

Until then, I’ll be eating chocolates on my own and curse until this day is over.

 

 

Friendster Trivia

Ang dami ko na palang kaibigan. May mga tao palang interesado sa akin kahit papaano. May panahon silang tingnan ang aking pictures at ang iba naman ay mabait na i- add as friend ako. Sa tanang buhay, sa FRIENDSTER ako sobrang daming “friends”. Meron diyan first degree, second degree and “anyone.” Noong una, hindi ko pa alam na may ganito palang website para maka- connect ka sa mga long lost friends at siyempre makita kung ano na ang itsura nila after 10 years. Ang aking mantra, kailangan okey ang pictures ko at hindi halata na may laugh lines na ako. Routine ko na ang friendster at para akong namamasyal sa park habang tinitingnan ang friends ko. Noong nagkaroon ng maintenance ang friendster, nadiskubre ko na number 1 pala ito na most visited website sa Pilipinas. Sabi nga ng aking hispanic boyfriend, Filipino universe daw ang friendster. Meron din naman akong MySpace account pero mas masipag akong bisitahin ang friendster. Ito pa ang mga natuklasan ko mula sa famous website para sa mga “friends.”1. Kailangan maganda ang profile picture mo para marami kang friends. Pang- akit para maging interesado ang  ibang friendsters.

2. Vital ang status ng relationship mo. Kung married, less appealing ka, in a relationship, sayang! pero kapag IT’S Complicated, naku po! Dami mo friends! Tried ang tested ko na ito.

3. Paramihan ng friends sa friendster. Wala na akong masabi.

4. About you- buong buhay na ang nakalagay pati mga paboritong tambayan ng banana q at sago’t gulaman.

5. Send a smile para hindi obvious na tamad kang mag message o para sa mga guys, pakiramdaman muna si girl.

6. Bulletin board na “PLEASE ADD ME AT tikbalang@horse.com. Pagbigyan na nga!

7. Shout- outs tulad ng “Labas na ako sa Preso or asa hundred islands ako, Yeheey!” Sarap mag broadcast.

8. Surveys na nakakatuwa at libangan ng mga nagtratrabaho sa call centers (Hoy! Jon, huwag mo ipagkaila!)

8. Repost this or mamamatay ka sa kalmot ng daga sa loob ng 24 hours.

9. Mag- Novena para hindi mabreak ang chain.

10. Sarap mag- stalk ng dating crushes o mga friends na kinaiinisan mo dati. Kung anonymous kang mag view- hala PERVERT ka pero kung open lang, carry lang di ba?

11. Ang mga top friends mo ay yung mga true friends mo. Period

12. Masakit kapag nalaman mong nagpakasal na si Girl/ Guy na pinapantasya mo nung College pero laking tuwa mo naman kapag mukhang Armadillo ang asawa. Pangpalubag loob ba?

13. Nagkakabati ang mga dating magkaaway. Nangyari na sa akin ito so I strongly advise to use friendster para hanapin ang mga dating kaaway at make peace and make this world another shitting place.

14. Blogs…blogs…blogs……TUNGKOL SA LOVE.

15. Skins and graphics na sana ay puwedeng gawing tattoo.

16. BACKGROUND music na reflection ng edad mo. Ako “IT MIGHT BE YOU” so pinanganak ako around the 90’s.

17. Friendsters in Love, pictures na may slideshow pa! Cool! tapos after one month palit na naman ng graphic code.

18. Kapag Filipino, mas madaling i- add kase kabayan eh!

19. According to my bf, napansin niyang masyadong malambing ang mga Pinay friendsters niya. Tawag sa kanya Darling at Babe. Tatlo pa nga raw ang nag- imbita sa kanya na pumunta sa Pilipinas. Bakit kaya?

20. Masaya ang FRIENDSTER.MAKULAY at hindi MAWAWALA kahit kelan kahit na merong Facebook, Tagged o Hi5.

Baril Barilan Sa Bronx

Alam ng buong mundo ang naganap na trahedya sa Virginia. Isang estudyante ang na- praning at bumaril ng 33 katao. Karamihan nito ay mga estudyante at maraming debate ang umusbong mula dito. As usual ang mga argumento ay tungkol sa right to firearms and causes of violence. Sa aking opinyon, lahat tayo ay responsable para sa isa’t isa ngunit kadalasan dedma tayo. Nagigising lamang tayo kapag may karumal dumal na nangyari.

Pauwi kami ng aking kaibigan noong Biyernes at napagusapan namin ang posibilidad na maaaring maging “site of shooting rampage” ang aming eskwelahan. Hindi ito malayong mangyari sapagkat ilang pagkakataon na rin na may gang wars, shooting in broad daylight sa perimeter ng aming paaralan. Isa dito ay ang isang 18 years old na babae na biglangbinaril sa ulo habang naghihintay ng bus. Walang motibo, trip lang at hanggang ngayon ay walang nahuhuli. Isang pruweba na rin ay mga “bulok” at outdated na sasakyan ang gamit ng aking mga katrabaho. Takot silang magmaneho ng mga bagong sasakyan. Yung ibang malakas ang loob na bumili ng Honda  CRV 2007, luhaan na ng kinahapunan dahil basag ang mirror at wala na ang radyo. Paano nga ba kung may pumasok na taong may malaking “tagis” at magumpisang magala- Scarface. Isa lang ang aming security officer. Okey siya pero ngayon wala sa sarili dahil in love sa kanyang 22 years old na boyfriend. Demi- Ashton ang drama nila pero hindi niya kamukha si Moore, “Demisalang, Cavite” ang dating niya.

Balik na tayo sa paksa, ano ang gagawin ko kung alam kong ilang minuto na lang at mapupuno na ng bala ang aking pang FHM na katawan. Sabi ng kaibigan ko, magtatago siya sa closet. Ako meron rin closet pero ilalagay ko na lang ang mga estudyante ko na para silang de lata. Kung pwede ko pa isiksik ang aking pwet, okey. Pero kung may third eye ako maghahanda ako ng Chart aka listahan ng mga rason na ipapaskil ko sa pinto ng aking classroom para basahin ng killer. Mag- iiwan din ako ng basket ng Hershey’s kisses, subscription sa Playboy magazine at siyempre gift card mula Macy’s. Kapag makayanan niyo pa ang aking kabaliwan, eto na ang aking listahan. (Kung alam ko rin ang kanyang nationality, translated siyempre)

1. Ipag- lunch mo muna kami dahil ang mga estudyante ko ay hindi pa kumakain. Sampal at mura ang hapunana nila. Please be considerate.

2. May “bisita” si Ms. T so kapag binaril mo siya, mas maraming dugo. Sayang naman ang mga binili niyang tampons.

3. Kung hindi mo maintindihan ang # 1 and 2, maaring pumunta lamang sa General office at andoon ang boss ko, nagtatago sa ilalim ng mesa niya.

4. Hindi pa namaster ng aking klase ang mga kulay. Ang red ay green pa rin at ang purple ay isang gulay.

5. For your information, bagong model na ng Victoria’’s Secret si Ms. T. Sawa na sila kay Heidi Klum. (Dito magsuicide na lamang ang killer, isipin na lamang niya na nakasuot ako ng thong. Nakakamamatay na vision ito)

6. Ang boss ko ay nasa general office. Bitch siya! Ipaglaban mo si Ms. T at ang buong eskwela. Puksain ang kasamaan! (Lalagyan ko pa ng sound effect na kulog at kidlat)

7. Maraming pangarap ang aking mga estudyante. Karamihan ay gustong maging construction worker at ang mga girls ay gusto maging hooter.

8. Hindi pa tapos ang topic namin sa Writers Workshop. Grammar ang lesson ko. (We was pa rin kase sila wala alam sa grammar)

9. Walang iiyak kapag namatay si Ms. T. (Ambivalence ang feeling nila so hindi ako ganoon significant)

10. Gusto ko ng glamorosong kamatayan. Ayaw ko yung sabog ang utak ko o labas ang tiyan. Ayaw ko ngang pagtawanan ako ng mga kapatid ko habang nasa kabaong. Mga alaskador pa naman sila.
11. Ako lang! Ako lang at ako pa rin ang nagmamahal nang totoo sa aking klase.

12. Malapit nang iwanan ni Brad si Angelina. Sobrang payat na kase siya kaya babalik na sa akin si Brad. Aampon kami mula Pilipinas, Fiji at Haiti. (UN ambassador din ako, gusto mo trabaho?)

13. Inuulit ko! Nasa ilalim lang ng mesa ang boss ko. Baka nagrere- touch ng biyak biyak niyang foundation.

14. Hindi ko pa napuntahan ang Paris. Please, pagkapehin mo naman ako kaharap ang French manicure ko.

15. Baka pagtawanan ka ng klase ko kase mas maraming firearms ang kanilang mga magulang.

16. Nabitin ka ba sa crack? Teka, may kontak akong parent. Naiwan niya ang isang pakete ng coccaine sa auditorium noong graduation ng kindergarten last year. Ilang guhit gusto mo?

17. Tatapusin ko muna ang pagdasal ko ng rosary na nakalihod sa macaroni noodles. Walang munggo eh.
18. Mabait na brattina na matulungin na may topak na mapagbigay na moody na mahilig sumulat na mataray na umaangal pag hindi “in” na patuloy na nagiging dakilang OFW si Ms. T.

19. Kung hindi mo maintindihan ang # 19, again nasa opisina lamang si bossing. Tanungin mo siya, like na like na sobrang like niya ako, promise!

20. Gusto kong mamatay………………………..edad 90 na nakalimang asawa. (Si Brad, Si Orlando, Johnny D., Vin Diesel at sige na nga si Sanjaya)

21. Idol ka ng mga estudyante ko, gusto mo bang mawalan ng fan base? tsk tsk tsk

22. Ang boss ko ay isang mahadera. period. Hindi siya marunong magblend ng make up at lampas labi ang kanyang lipstick. Peke rin ang kanyang buhok. Carry mo yun?

23. May gamot ako dito pampakalma. Aantukin ka lang dahil anti- allergy. Kung gusto mo naman hihingan kita ng “sack of doobie” or sako ng damo sa aking katrabaho. Magaling rin siyang Arts Teacher.

24. Hindi mo ba alam na si Ms. T ay si Darna. Nagkatampuhan sila ni Ding at ang bato ay nasa aquarium niya.

25. Relax ka muna, may Cuervo sa ilalim ng mesa ko. Kapag naloloka din ako, naiintindihan kita. Gusto ma ba ng Bailey’s? Margarita? Pina Colada?

26. Tao ka, tao ako, tao ang mga estudyante ko. Ang Boss ko anti- tao. Alien siya. Gusto mo ba na mahaluan tayo ng ibang specie?

27. Wala ka bang gf? Madali lang yan, marami sa bansa ko ang gustong makarating dito. Mag cyber chat tayo, merong internet ang Sidekick 3 ko.

28. Hindi ka na ba naniniwala kay Lord? Samahan mo ako magsimba at magbasa ng bibliya. Explain mo sa akin tapos panoorin natin ang Da Vinci Code. Libre kita.

29. Ang mga estudyante ko ay may mga pangarap. Actually pangarap ko para sa kanila. Pwedeng pagbigyan mo lang ako. May puti na akong buhok dahil sa kakaturo na ang 1+1 ay 2 at hindi 11.

30. Narinig mo ba iyon sa PA? Pinapatawag ka ng boss ko sa opisina niya. May cookies at juicy juice ang naghihintay sa iyo.

Kung nabasa niyo ang aking tulang “He was a Loner”, puwede niyong sabihin na hindi ako tuluyang lokaret. Marami na rin akong natanggap na negative comments dahil naiisip ko pa raw yung killer. Pero matigas ang ulo ko at website ko at umiyak ako habang sinusulat ko. Hindi ko alam kung ipapako niyo ako sa krus dahil sa sinulat ko pero ipagdasal niyo naman na hindi ito mangyari. Sabagay, sa The Bronx lang naman ako nagtuturo.