Taming of the Screw

 

Taming of the Screw

I remember it vividly. The hushed voices of my relatives everytime she passed by. The questioning looks that she received when she joined in the conversations. I could feel it in the dead air, she did not belong. She felt it too and subsequently, she leaves and the world is back to normal again. I first heard the word “crazy” because of her. They labeled her as one.

Many years have passed and I seldom saw her. There were instances when she would stay at my grandmother’s house for a couple of days but as a child, I feared her. People told me “You should not go near crazy people.” Her husband cheated on her. She went insane because of a broken heart. Her children abandoned her later. Without medication, she would pace the floor endlessly and mouthed incomprehensible phrases. I veered away from her especially during meal times. When I was acting up, my own mom would say, “Do you want to be crazy like your grand- aunt? She lost everything so better be sane!” These words rung in my head thus my careful threading on my behavior ensued.

I was a senior intern in a psychiatric ward. I saw different faces of confusion, bewilderment and entrapment. I resigned myself as being a coward for having palpitations when I was assigned my first case. I had to do this so I can graduate. I memorized my psychiatry books so it wouldn’t be that hard. Little did I know.

He was a tall man with a few gray strands. He stared at me as I pulled up a chair in front of him. I introduced myself and mechanically recited the procedures of our session. He stared. I was speechless. He stared more. I felt idiotic. He stared at me longer. I shifted uncomfortably.

I like Superman. Do you like him too? He is amazing, can fly and can lift heavy objects. Who is your favorite superhero?

Batman.

That gray uniform looks good on you. I bet you’re only 18 years old. I have a daughter but she is younger. Do you have a boyfriend already? If not, you should have.

19 years old. I have a boyfriend, which I should not have.

Our session ended with nothing for me to log on my notes. I bid him farewell and he nodded. I asked my instructor if she could assign me to another patient. I was denied so I cursed while driving myself home.

I saw him twice a week and the staring got worse. I sat there with my empty notes. He seemed to enjoy himself.

One afternoon, I saw him in a corner in the basketball court. He looked dirty and disheveled. I greeted him as I nervously put a chair in front of him. Then he started talking.

You think I am crazy. So crazy that you cannot even talk. You are like the rest, you think you are Jesus Christ to persecute us. Look at this place! I should not even be here.

Why do you think you are here?

I had an argument with my wife. She told me I was a stupid jerk. I was a cuckold. I snapped and next thing I knew, I was on a bed in this hospital. I lost my job. I was a professor at the University of ______.

I am sorry to hear that. (I am sorry Grand- Aunt)

I want to get out of here. I want to see my daughter, my house. I want to ask forgiveness from my wife. I hope she still loves me. She never visited, no one did. I guess I am scary. Are you scared of me?

I am not scared of you. I think in time, you will be able to return to your family. You will get better.

I hope your words will be a reality.

Then he sings “I’m leaving on a jetplane.” I found myself humming and the weeks that followed, I found myself driving fast to see this man every week. It was different because I listened to him. I listened to his stories, fascinated with his life outside the gates. My notes were still relatively empty much to the disappointment of my instructor.

The day finally came and he was to be released. I wrote my final report on our sessions and he was overwhelmed, his eyes beaming with excitement.

My wife will pick me up. Do I look aright with this shirt?

 

Joy did not last long. After two weeks, he was re- admitted to the hospital. An unfortunate incident happened. He was buying from the local store when a teenager started taunting him.

Crazy old man! You belong to the loony bin. You will always be crazy! Hahaha! Your daughter must be ashamed having you as a crazy dad.

He returned to his house and brought out a kitchen knife. He went inside the store and slit the throat of the young man.

I sat in front of him. I could not say anything. He stared at me like the first time.

I sobbed openly. He did not make a sound. I completely lost him.

I graduated from college and he never talked ever since.

I’m leaving on a jet plane.
Don’t know when ill be back again.
Oh, babe, I hate to go.

Incurable Nostalgia

No matter how a woman declares her independence, there is no denying that love can make her bloom, puts a curve on her lips and the sensuality that it extracts from her. I am a believer of this phenomenon. I am blessed to be pricked, poked and teased by this phenomenon called love.

 

I was in fifth grade when I first felt that strong punch of love. Maybe I should label it as a fatal crush. He was in 6^th grade and I just fell- stupefied whenever I see him along the corridors. Together with my other hormonally charged friends, we would stand at outposts waiting for his group to pass. When he was inches away from me, I would outrun even the roadrunner. I could not even bring myself to say hello. It was so obvious that he knew this; much to the amusement of his friends. Sometimes I thought he was torturing me. I was in limbo and instead of studying, I spent hours dreaming about him. My grades dropped and so did my allowance. However I did not care, I convinced myself I wass in love. One day, my friends set me up that I had no choice but to pass through the gate where he was the monitor. Everything was a blur and I just recall that someone was pulling me towards him. I stood in front of him like an idiot, speechless as he extended his hand. My friends narrated that I was white as a ghost and he was laughing. I felt stupid. I was stupid. Next day and for the rest of the schoolyear, I avoided the corridors and if I see even his shadow, I would dash in a split second. I was not sure of what happened next. After he graduated, I forgot about him. My attention was back to playing and hiking with my classmates.

 

One afternoon while walking in front of the school, I saw him and our eyes met. I was in sophomore year. He stopped and my legs continued to move. He was staring as I walked by. I was not sure if he said hello. All I knew was that my heart did not skip anymore. He was just another face. Funny how my so-called first love sank into oblivion. Right now, he is married with 4 children. His sister is still one of my friends. I never mentioned this to her. Maybe she knows but it does not matter anymore. Young love is fleeting and seldom does it lasts.

 

I was “privileged” to experience a relationship that is like a light bulb. It turns on and off according to the seasons. I had my first “official” boyfriend at age 16. He was the lucky one to be my first kiss. Unfortunately it was unpleasant for me since after that, I got hit hard on the head with a basketball. The gym is not the ideal place to pucker up. We broke up every Thursday then make up on Monday. It was weird because we never got to enjoy the “relationship.” We spent most of our time arguing who was the sweeter one or the more jealous one. It was too confusing so I did not bother seeing him. He did the same thing. It was in college that I saw him in the same department. We were single again so we decided maybe that time, it can work out. I dated him for two weeks secretly. We hid it since we followed the same pattern of breaking then making up every 5 seconds. I was frustrated so I called it quits and he was relieved too. Before I graduated, we attended a party with our common friends. We had the same discussion and I looked at him exasperated. He asked if I wanted to go for a walk. After what seems like an eternity of walking, we came to a clearing. When I sat down on the grass, he held my hand and asked, “why can’t we be together?” I just shrugged my shoulders, then he pointed out two trees in front of us. They were planted so close to each other but their branches never touch. He said, “we are like those trees.” That was the best explanation for us and I held his hand while we went back to the party. We smiled as we said our goodbyes. I occasionally receive emails from him since I am the godmother to his son.

 

Then I had that falling in love with your best friend danger zone. Yet it was the most beautiful love I have. Call it cliché but we promised that if we have not found a partner when we turn 30, we are going to get married. Well, it is going to be a few months and 6 years have gone without a word from him. We both are not good at maintaining communication. Wherever he is, I still have love for him. He will always be my best friend whom I am thankful for not being my significant other. Most probably, our friendship would overtake any romantic strings we may have.

 

 

Last but not the least, I have The one that got away to him and What if he was the one to me. Six months before I left for New York, I fell in love unexpectedly with a person whom I hated so much. He was arrogant, bossy and so different from me. However because of forced circumstances, I had to see him on a regular basis. As each day passed, we found ourselves passionately in love. No qualms and no care of what people perceived of our relationship. We were happy, very happy that I was bursting with that toxic love poison. It was the best of times but it had to end, we knew it from the very start. What we thought was going to be complicated never dampened our affection for each other. We made every minute count from early morning until late evening, we were together discussing life with our endless supply of caffeine. Last time I saw him was in a coffee shop. I was holding his hand tightly. I turned to him “I want to memorize this moment, exactly how it is.” It is rare that he emails but when he does, expect that it be like a novel, well thought and written. We know that our time was enough to last a lifetime. I am thankful for having him even for such a short time.

 

There are other stories of love but I selected these since they mirror what love can be. Whenever I want to re- experience that warm, fuzzy feeling- I just unlock my chest of memories. I may not be the romantic type but I am a self-confessed hopeless nostalgic.

 

 

Snippets of my Drained Brain

Alas! I am plagued again by the dreaded writer’s block. My brain has turn into a bloke and creative juices have run dry. Anyhow, as I metamorphosed into a person whose ideas are like army ants, I present to you snippets of my mind (in lay man’s term, previous works) I hope you would find pleasure in reading them. Just a word of caution, the last poem contains adult content.

 

Vanity Circus

When I was 6 years old
I looked at mom’s face
She had lines around her mouth
Like cracked soil in a pot

When I was 10 years old
I had a teacher
She wears Chanel No.5
But her eyes drooped

When I was 12 years old
I had a favorite vendor
She sells my favorite pudding
Her hands crawl of spider veins When I was 18 years old
I danced with 18 roses
I am forever young
My mom’s lines grew ten fold

When I was 24 years old
My face was changed
Just a bit
Paranoia sets in

When I was 26 years old
My boyfriend saw a gray strand
I freaked out, cried like hell
I pulled it out with angst

When I was 28 years old
I saw lines under my eyes
I look like a raccoon
Creams piled on my pores

I am 29 years old
My face starts to age
Acceptance is on its way
I feel more calm, sort of

I looked into a mirror
I count them every Sunday
Eagle’s feet around my mouth
I reach for a regenerist

I wake up from a silk pillow
I face another day of aging
I am me. Vanity fades slowly
I will be alright

Hopefully I will age gracefully.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Soul Asylum

A hallway that is poorly lit
Catatonic faces see through me
Periwinkle birds flying
Bumblebees the size of boas

Unwashed bodies behind cages
Filthy wild species
Howling at the cursed wind
Swatting invisible flies

I found her in a corner
She sings the anthem
Her eyes rolled in frenzy
She plops on her own shit I turned to him
“Is this what you want?
“You have a choice
“This is bullshit crazy!”

He froze at her sight
“My son! Why is your shirt blue?”
Her soiled hands on her cheeks
She rushed to him wailing

On a gloomy Monday afternoon
I drove two people home
One soul trapped in an asylum
One soul lost without a mother

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

trouvaille saut

poison lips behind the lens
a flint drawn by the wind
haste of lingering guilt
succumb to primal thoughts

painted eyes of mischief
fathom me in unison
slavery in triumph
vines of lust creep

images embed so shallow
flung to dangerous arms
lotus in a pond, enticing
scorpion venom nourishes me dry well of mundane toil
tempting risks wanted
stranger caught in the web
my hips quiver softly

dagger concealed by the dark twin
bring me death all over again
twirl and lie between my legs
wake me from my own prison

…in gratitude to a stranger
… erotic figures tattooed inside my vagina
….and I thought I have forgotten

I am a woman.

 

Feng Shui Demystified

I bought a silver pendant with chinese characters engraved on it. I have been through a lot of hurdles this year and I wanted something to remind me that I can pull it together. There are so many things that tested my faith in people and myself. Lessons have been learned and frustrations put behind. A couple of days more and I will welcome a new year. Another journey awaits me and with this pendant that I pledge to wear always, I am definitely ready. Here is the video and anyone who can guess what the characters on my pendant means, I will make a special shoutout in my Holiday Video. If you happen to be a youtuber, I would also promote your channel and feature you in my own channel.

 

Love Story Ni Lolo at Lola

Tinatapos ko ang nobela ng aking Tiyo dahil handog niya ito sa kanyang pinakamamahal na asawa sa kanilang ika- 25 na anibersaryo. Uuwi siya sa Pilipinas upang ikasal muli sa San Agustin Church. Habang sinusulat ko ang mga kabanata, naalala ko rin ang mga kuwento ng pag- ibig ng aking mga kamag- anak. Pero ang hirap isipin dahil bihira na masaya ang ending.  Pag- ukulan natin ang LOVE STORY ng aking Lolo at Lola. Kahit hindi natapos sa footnote na “And they lived happily ever after”, marami akong natutunan sa kanila. Bawat kabanata ay may kasamang aral na sinunod ko at kadalasan at binago ko.

1.Nagkita ang aking lolo at lola sa isang salu- salo at siyempre na- inlove kaagad si Lolo. Pumwesto siya kaagad dahil sa mala- gatas na balat ni Lola at sabi niya nung panahon na iyon, wala pa sa sahig ang kanyang boobs. Nagkakilala sila at umpisa na ng panliligaw ni Feliciano kay Natividad
- physical appearance ay importante kaya bullshit ang mga nagsasabi na kailangang maganda ang kalooban pero sa pagkakaalam ko sa pisikal na katangian nag- uumpisa ang relasyon. Sa lahat ng naging boyfriend ko, requirement ay maganda ang mata at mas matangos ang ilong sa akin. Ang boyfriend ko ngayon ay mas maganda pa ang legs sa akin at mas maputi, latino papa at na- attract siya sa akin sa Dunkin Donuts dahil sa aking mga mata at ang 2 tacos at 3 bavarian creme na donuts plus 1 frappucino. Sa tanang buhay niya, nakita niya ang confidence ng isang babaeng gutom. Ang sagot ko sa kanya wala ako pakialam kapag gutom ako, wala poise poise kapag kumakalam ang tiyan.

2. Niligawan muna ni Lolo ang mga magulang at kapatid ni Lola
- importante ito kase plus points kapag nag- away, may kakampi ka. Meron akong naging bf na ang pamilya ay tinuring akong anak. Nung naghiwalay kami pagkatapos ng 3 taon, umiyak ang kanyang ina at mga kapatid. Meron naman na halos ipagtabuyan ako dahil hindi ako kasing yaman ng pamilya niya. Law of Karma ang pumalakol sa kanila After 5 years, nagising rin ako na wala ako mapapala sa “panliligaw” sa kanila at paghihintay sa “pag grow- up” ng anak nila.

3. 9 years silang engaged na never na nakita ni Lola ang bahay ni Lolo (that time kase pangit tingnan kung pumunta ang girl sa house ni boy, malandi daw yun)
- Sabi ni Lola kung alam lang niya na walang hagdan ang bahay nila Lolo, hindi na sana siya pakakasal at hindi pa niya nakita na nakaasa lahat kay Lolo para sa pagkain at luho.

4. Kinasal sila sa Quiapo Church (Nazareno na kapag tinitingnan ko, natatakot ako at na nakokonsensya sa aking mga kasalanan tulad ng pagmumura)
- Kung ikakasal man ako, ayaw ko sa harap ng nakakatakot na Statue ni JC o dumudugong mata ng Virgin Mary. Kahit saan basta nandun ang pamilya ko at mga tunay na kaibigan. Ayoko na piyesta ang magaganap plus baka nakawin pa ang champagne glasses ng mga bisita na hindi ko kilala.

5. Wala silang alam tungkol sa sex kaya sabi ni Lola nagmukha silang tanga nung first night nila
- Buti na lang may alam ako, pasalamat ako kay Dra. Holmes.  Pero ang sabi ni Lola, dapat virgin pa ang parehong lalake at babae bago ikasal para daw inosente. Malaking halakhak ang sagot ko sabay batok naman ang inabot ko.

6. Nabuntis kaagad si Lola naging masungit kaya napabarkada si Lolo, natuto ng bisyo.
- Pag nabuntis ako, kasama ko ang barkada ko at panonoorin ko sila habang gumugimik. Makita na ng asawa ko para sukang suka na siya yosi at alak.

7. Lihim na pinapaaral at pinapakain ni Lolo ang kanyang mga magulang at kapatid, lagi niyang rason mahirap ang bansa dahil kakaalis pa lang ng mga Hapon.
- Sa sitwasyon ko, ako naman ang padala nang padala sa Pinas, minsan naglilihim na ako sa bf ko dahil gusto niyang i- enjoy ko ang pinaghirapan ko. Mentality kase dito, “you work hard for your money, you shouldn’t give it away.” Mahirap dahil OFW tayo.

8. Nabuntis na naman si Lola, lagi na silang nag- aaway. Hindi na rin masyado umuuwi si Lolo. Lagi na siyang nasa saya ng nanay niya ayon kay Grandma.
- brutal din akong nakikpag- away pero umuuwi pa rin si Marcello. No choice kase malambot ang kama namin. Pero marunong na akong mag- sorry, malaking tulong rin itong pagbabago ko.

9. May inampon sila na batang lalake (Uncle ko na hindi na namin nakikita) Anak pala ni Lolo sa ibang babae pero tinanggap pa rin ni Lola
- hindi ko alam kung carry ko ito pero sa mga kaboplakan ng ex ko, malamang malapit na ako sa kalingkilan ni lola.

10. Grumabe ang bisyo ni Lolo at pinapili na siya ni Lola, “Kami o ang magulang at kapatid mo?” Tahimik na umalis si Lolo.
- kung ayaw na talaga ng lalake, huwag na habulin dahil kakawala pa rin (actually mas mahirap kapag pamilya ang karibal, kapag kabit naman may pag- asa pa)

11. Pinalaki ni Lola ang kanyang 3 anak sa mga trabahong babysitter, mananahi, taga- luto at kung ano ano pang sideline para mabuhay. Madalang na makita ang anino ni Lolo.
- girl power si Lola at pinalaki din niya ako. Buti na lang kase yung time na pinagbubuntis ako ni Mother, GGB din siya. Gulo Gulo Buhay niya.

12. Nagtanan si Mother. Na- frustrate si Lolo dahil paborito niya si Mom. Si Lola, tinanggap at nag- move on
- ang buhay ay gulong na paikot ikot. Hindi makulay ang life kapag walang problema. kapag nawala ang mga ito, hindi na tayo makakapagmura at magpapa- party kapag naresolba naman.

13. Nalulong na sa alkohol si Lolo. Kadalasan dumadaan siya sa bahay ni Lola. Hindi na niya ito inaaway. Ayaw ni Lola ng eskandalo. Pinagluluto pa niya ito ng paborito niyang pagkain.
- hanga ako sa katatagan ng loob ni Lola, wala si Lolo sa tabi niya habang naghihirap siyang buhayin mga anak niya. Pero may lakas pa siyang magluto ng paksiw na lechon si Lolo.

14. Si Lolo ang unang nakakita sa akin nang ako ay gumapang tapos lumakad. Pagkatapos ng maraming taon, nagyakapan ulit si Lolo at Lola
- kahit ex mo na, may konting love pa rin. Hindi mawawala ito unless Hudas o Whore naman talaga ang ex mo.

15. Hinoldap si Lolo at ninakaw ang kanyang relo. Tinurukan din siya ng Ativan. Lasing siya at iniwan sa kalye. Ilang linggo rin siyang nasa ospital ng Maynila bago nahanap si tita. Walang nagkusa mula sa kanyang mga kapatid na hanapin siya.
- nakakalungkot dahil iniwan ni Lolo si Lola para sa mga kapatid niya. Marami rin akong sakripisyo at talagang masakit kapag binalewala lamang ng minamahal mo.

16. Konting drama si Lola na payagang alagaan si Lolo sa bahay niya. Sa huli pumayag siya at inalagaan ni Mother at Tita si Lolo.
- kapatawaran, hirap gawin!

17. Pumanaw si Lolo at ang huli niyang sinabi ay “Pakisabi kay Naty, patawarin niya sana ako.” Nang malaman ni Lola, kaharap niya ako. Pumikit siya at pinigilang umiyak. “Mabait ang Lolo mo, pagkatapos nang lahat. Asawa ko pa rin siya.”
- love never dies. Bakit sa akin, ilang beses namatay?

18. Nilibing si Lolo sa umaga at sa hapon nagpakulot at nagpa- manicure si Lola
- life goes on after the pain from being unloved by the person you loved.  

Hindi man happily ever after, modelo ko si Lolo at Lola dahil kahit naghiwalay sila, walang paninira o public display of humiliation. May respeto pa rin sila para sa isa’ isa at sa huli, in love pa rin sila. First love never dies. Sa kaso nila, oo