Doubting Faith yet Born a Believer

It is holy week and most Christians follow the practices in the name of penitence, repentance and a promise to avoid doing wrong. I was born and raised in a faith that exalts Him. He was also represented as a shepherd, redeemer and savior. Throughout the years, I believed and oftentimes I doubted. Thomas is no match for me for I questioned the scriptures, the supposed miracles and His promise of a better life. Life has given me opportunities to do so much contemplating thus I was left confused. Confusion led to frustration and then to apathy. I was apathetic to His presence. I convinced myself I was fine being alone, “uncorrupted” by stories about Him woven by men of long ago.

I want to enumerate the situations and events that led me to believe I was capable of existing without believing in Him.

My first job was a supervisor in a hotel. My work hours were crazy and I often went home past midnight. One time, I was so tired after a wedding reception that my feet were literally on fire. I got behind the wheel and my head urged me to drive faster to get home as soon as possible. In addition, sleep was crawling inside me too. What I remember next was blinding lights and I steered the wheel to the right abruptly. The loud honking of the other car was deafening. I was still shaking until I parked in the garage. The next day, I went back to work as if nothing happened. I dismissed that I am a good driver thus avoiding a tragic accident.

I chose to work in a city much to the dismay of my parents. I still went without informing them thus the rampant police search. I was relaxing in the nice apartment my employer provided for me apathetic of the trouble I caused. It was only when a family friend went to my workplace to check if I was alright. I never apologized to my parents and upheld my stubbornness for deciding on my own. The news of rampant human trafficking did not even faze me.

A relationship defined me. The person became my focus and I took for granted the other facets. I shrugged my shoulders when my parents and friends warned me of bad things to come. I digressed that their “premonitions” and “instincts” about the impending danger I would have were utterly morose. It was only when I fell into a trap of deception and paranoia that I created too. My judgment told me that a relationship should be worked out no matter what. I did my best yet my partner was unwilling to do his part. One night during one of our many turbulent arguments, he was driving dangerously fast to fuel more my anger. I was screaming and then I thought, ” So be it! If you are going to do this, might as well kill both of us!” He slowed down and I knew it was the the end. I left him without a word, with four bags of my tears and after a week, he replaced me like a flat tire. I blamed myself for a failure I brought upon myself.

My broken heart was not like anything. It consumed me and as I predicted, when it rains it pours. I had to do a presentation of my thesis. That afternoon, my mind was in constant squabbling. In front of the panel, I was half hearing their questions. Numbness was setting in and my eyes were welling up. My strict advisor looked at me and whispered “What happened?” I faced her and she knew. The next thing was straight from a court case. She became my lawyer and she supplemented my unrehearsed replies. After the presentation, she reprimanded me harshly and cautioned me to never ever let matters of the heart affect the path to achievement. I finished my thesis in one semester with flying kaleidoscope colors. I felt good and my heart was beating again.

I was reading the local newspaper when I chanced upon an ad. New York City was looking for teachers and I was intrigued. I called up the agency and the rest is history. After so many tragic events, I was bound to start a new life. People said I was blessed. I replied I had abundant luck.

The first years here were hard. After each hurdle, I patted myself on the shoulder and said “I am a survivor!” I was doing fine in the city that never sleeps. Though I was lacking sleep, I was being on top of my game. I was also into a budding relationship with a great man. I was lucky again.

After four years, I woke up and made a decision that others called irrational. I made up my mind to take a break, re- think my goals and learn new things. I am aware that I am not that young yet I knew I had to do it. My family supported me again and inspite of the financial constraints, I am content. Worries come yet they do not linger. Unlike before when I had too many wants. I feel luck is overflowing in my pocket and I smile waking up from my deep slumber.

Perhaps, I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul. I may possess a lucky clover or a rabbit’s foot.

…or perhaps, He was there when I never acknowledged Him

… warned me through people when I made haste decisions

…gave me opportunities to turn away and try another path

…waived my doubts and still believes that I am His believer.

 

 

Here Without You

Sometimes I wish you could look at me longer. Perhaps you can realize that I am also capable of feeling. Maybe you can see the real person just wearing a mask because I do not want to cause you to worry. For the nth time, you have saved me again and I will always be eternally grateful. I hate the fact that I wished you could be in my shoes, then I can prove I can be there for you too. It would be different for I would never let you feel so useless.

I tread carefully because you are intolerant of failures. You see sadness as weakness. In front of you, I smile because I do not want arguments. When we switch off the lights, you turn your back on me and again. I am left with my thoughts. You always say you dislike when I think too much. Maybe you have forgotten this is one of the things why you fell in love with me. I like to think because it’s the way to keep me grounded and be creative. I need to feel all facets of emotions whether pleasant or not. I have always expressed to you that I am black or white, never in the middle. I thought you like that in me but nowadays; you frown upon my feelings. You label me as nonsense. I am deeply hurt but I keep to myself because I love you. It is so painful because you cannot even see that I am breaking into pieces. There are so many things I want to say but you have this wall that I cannot fathom. To put it in perspective, I avoid confrontations because you always have logic and before I finished my words, you have the better solution and I feel worse. I just clam up and things will remain alright. You say holding it in is not good for both of us but trying to explain to you is draining and I just close my eyes for the next day to come.

These times are difficult for me. Sure I can call up friends and tell them my woes but that is not my nature. The person I need most is you and I cannot even start to tell you that I am scared, guilty for being a burden to you and how I wished things were better. We are in the same room yet we seem so far apart. I kiss you and you purse your lips. I try to hold you and you veer away. When I call you on this, you retort “You just don’t get it, I do everything for you.” I do not deny this you take command but you leave me out most of the time. You assume what is right for you are also right for me. I am a woman who needs to be held by the person she gave her heart to. Then you say, “find excitement, do your thing” but I cannot do it with full steam because we are not alright. You think we are but even the most romantic stories have flaws.

I wrote so many poems about you but I never let you read them. You stated clearly that you dislike poetry. I like to drive around and get out of the city once in a while. You say there is always the subway. I like to try new things. You say I am not contented with what we have. I like to explore. You always say the negative things that can happen.I like to act childlike and you look at me like I am misbehaving. I try my best for you and you ignore me.

I am here without you. Sad, isn’t it?

Tattle Tale Hearts

Eve is with Prince Charming. He is the perfect gentleman and thoughtful. He makes sure Eve is contented and that she feels like a princess. Eve tells herself she has found a good man. Unfortunately, Eve is looking for excitement. She longs for the good old days where her relationships had no certainty. Eve is a vixen at heart. Tonight, she puts on a show for Prince Charming. In her flimsy nightgown, Prince Charming lifts her up, lays her on the bed and kisses her forehead. “I love you my queen.” Eve’s prince takes off his gallant armor and heads to his laptop. Eve sighs and hot tears flowed down her cheeks. The world has come to an end and this fairy tale will never cease. Eve stands up and heads for the shower and lets the cool water trickle down her body.

Scarlet is a very attractive woman. She walks into a bar and heads turn. She is always invited to parties and friends clamor for her presence. Indeed, she is the life of the party. However, Scarlet is not a keeper. A relationship that goes beyond one month scares her. She makes up a lame excuse and leaves the poor man behind. Scarlet then fixes herself up and moves on to the next cub. She is a player.- a very lonely player. Scarlet has a friend named Anna. She is attractive but too scared to join the dating game. Scarlet finds her fascinating and vice versa. One night at party, Scarlet kissed Anna on the lips. Both were shocked but it took only a few seconds until they were all over each other inside a cubicle. As they lay on the bed, Scarlet strokes Anna’s face. She whispered “I love you” and Anna stirs in her sleep. The next day, they are friends again. Scarlet is still on the prowl for men. Anna, well she is still shy around men. Most nights, Anna lies in Scarlet’s arms. Two hot women loving each other, who dares cast the first stone?

Jenny was as cute as a button. Lindsay was her playmate. Every afternoon, they would play in their tree house with their dolls and have tea parties. Lindsay has an older brother. His name is Jake. He kept to himself most of the time. Jenny and Lindsay remained best friends. Jenny grew up and so did Lindsay. Instead of tea parties, they went to real parties to meet guys. They had fun being desired by the whole campus. One day, Jake offered to drive Jenny home. She agreed because she likes him. She liked Jake since she was playing in the sandbox. Throughout the drive, they remained quiet. Maybe Jake was not interested in Jenny. As the stoplight turned red, Jake leaned over to kiss her. Jenny’s first kiss! She blushed and held his hand. That kiss was followed by many stolen moments. Jenny and Jake made love in the tree house. He promised her that he would love no one after her. A week later, Jenny and Lindsay had a argument. Lindsay forbade Jenny never to come near her house. Jenny was broken hearted. She saw Jake in the parking lot. As she opened her mouth to speak, Jake put his arms around a girl with long black hair. Jenny tried to forget both her best friend and her first love. She never succeeded.

Michelle talks openly about sex. Well that is her work; she works with couples with marital problems. Michelle is an expert with the birds and the bees. Well, so good she scares off men. They see her as the leader of the Amazon women. So Michelle sleeps alone at night wondering why she cannot feel the touch of a man between her legs. Paul and Lisa are her clients. They are married for 10 years and have two wonderful children. Michelle takes notes while she listened to them. Lisa admits she is bored with Paul while he confessed fantasizing about other women. Michelle suggested ways to spice up their life. It was not working since they Paul and Lisa always come every week. As a therapist, Michelle felt the need to refer them to another expert. She was surprised when Lisa vehemently refused. Paul remained quiet. Michelle asked them to leave quietly. As she walked to open the door, Paul held her while Lisa touched her breast and kissed her passionately. Paul lifted Michelle’s skirt and Lisa undressed…

Michelle fixed her hair while Paul and Lisa buttoned their coats.”See you next week then, same time.” Michelle nodded and smiled.Nowadays, she makes house calls to Paul and Lisa’s house. She has dinner with them and their lovely kids. They invite friends occasionally to have fun. Michelle is no longer lonely. A question of morality is presented. Who is immoral among the three? Who is the authority to judge them?

 

Tattle Tale Hearts

Whispering Loud Secrets

Swimming in agony or lust

Only the walls of the chambers

Bear witness to their human frailty